Nostalgia.

I'm home once again for spring break, and it's rather nostalgic. As my mom drove us into our driveway with our 18 year old camper at around 10:00 pm, Monday, I had glanced up at the stars was struck by memories of me doing the same in high school.

During high school, I would often arrive home late, usually around 7:00 pm, when it was already dark. When I pulled into the driveway, I would usually just park and lay down in my car, looking out of the window at the stars for awhile. I suppose it became a habit for me, though I'm not particularly sure why. I have always just enjoyed stargazing. In middle school, I remember going on a class Yosemite trip for a few days, and one of those nights we hiked and got to stargaze for awhile. That night was definitely one of the most amazing experiences for me, there were simply so many stars to be seen out in the wilderness in Yosemite.

Perhaps the reason I developed that habit of stargazing when I arrived home late from school, was for relaxing and calming myself. I remember being quite stressed/depressed in high school because of family problems, the passing away of quite a few students and teachers in my small high school, and various other things. Laying in the car and stargazing just felt good to me, and would usually help empty my mind.

This memory got me thinking about myself as I am now. Since college, I haven't spent any time just sitting back and relaxing, like I did in high school with my little stargazing moments in the car. My life since college has always been filled with school, activities, and sleep. Perhaps the reason for this is because I can cope fine with my life as it is, or perhaps I just don't feel I have the time for it. Occasionally, I would glance up at the stars as I walked to my room, but that's really nothing compared to the the 10-20 minutes I would spend laying in the car in high school.

I'm not sure what this change in habit implies. I guess people just change, but I'm not sure if it's for better or for worse. Maybe it is apart of the transition into adulthood, where one tends to worry about things such as work, rent, taxes, income, with seemingly no time for anything else. These things usually don't concern us in high school.

This nostalgia is making me feel a little emo inside >_> hahaha. This always seems to happen whenever I think about high school. Maybe it's just the part of me that doesn't want to grow up yet, and is still trying to hold on the past. Maybe the memories are just resurfacing feelings of loneliness and various other emotions in me. To be honest, the feeling of loneliness has been recurring in me every now and then through college, my guess that's from being single >_> ahhaha.

Anyways, life continues on.

Maturity

Since I was reading my friend's xanga page, I inevitably found myself back at my xanga page today. I spent around an hour re-reading a majority of my entries during the early years of my high school career. Looking back at what I wrote 4 years ago was rather... interesting. As I was reading my entries, I kept thinking to myself "oh damn, I was super immature back then." After some more reflection, I came to realize that I may have "matured" in speech and action (whatever that means), but my basic philosophies and beliefs 4 years ago are still the same as my philosophies and beliefs now. So inside, I am pretty much the same as the 15 year old boy I was 4 years ago, just with a more "mature" shell.

And now another questions arises in my head, am I really more mature? I still act silly with my friends and do things people (including myself) would deem "immature," or not fit for more "grown up" persons. Essentially, apart of me (if not all of me) still feels like a kid. My feelings and thoughts that I experience now are all strikingly similar to those I experience 4 years ago, including things such as feelings of loneliness, love, longing; thoughts on school, friendship, and self.

I guess my definition of "mature" isn't all that well defined. Initially, I simply thought it was determined by the way one talks and interacts with those around oneself. But this seems rather flawed, since people act differently depending on who they are interacting with (though if there are different standards that are defined as "mature" for different situations, it could work). Perhaps maturity can be split into two types: external maturity and internal maturity. External would be determined by the way one speaks (language) and acts, while internal maturity would be determined by one's philosophies and beliefs.

Using these two categories, I suppose I could begin gauging my maturity. Externally, I'd say I am more mature, while interally I have not changed much at all. Which of these really matter? My outer "shell" has become more "mature", but internally I am the exact same person. Is maturity even that important?

Anyways, so what is my point in writing all of this? I have no clue, I just kind of began typing, and what's written is written. My guess is I'll start posting my thoughts here more often, it feels rather nice having the things on my mind written down (or rather typed). I guess this can also serve as something to read 4 years down the road. Who knows, maybe I'll be someone different. Only time can tell.

"LIVE FAST,

DIE YOUNG."

          - WPS seniorCLASS2006